Life

She didn’t have any tears in her eyes, but she was crying; from inside. It didn’t feel good. Her father’s grave was in front of her, the grave of the only one she had in her childhood. Now she was 21, and she had lost it. She had lost her source of strength, she had lost all her nice moments with him, plus all her bad moments. The only thing remained now was her memories. She remembered those days when she was 6, a chubby cute girl with blond hair; her father, on the contrary, a plump man with his back a little bent down, his face wrinkled and dirty, his eyes full of grief and red lines, his hair white, his fat hands half-tucked in his pockets, and she was holding his wrist like she was falling down from somewhere, and his wrist was holding her up. They crossed a street and went to a shop, her father had a few coins, he bought her a notebook with colorful drawings on its covers, and they left, but later she insisted that she didn’t like it, and they have to go back to change it. His father didn’t say no, he never said no. They went and changed it to another one with other kinds of pictures on it, that she suddenly saw drawing pens, and asked him to buy it. Her father didn’t have any money left, and she was sad, but the next week when her father came home with a smile and drawing pens she had liked last week, she was even sadder. She was depressed, at least for her age. So she grabbed the pens and started to draw. She drew her feelings. She wasn’t aware of it, but she knew that it felt good. She knew that every night when she was waiting for her dad to come, her drawings were the only thing that made her patient, and the only thing that avoided her from crying, because she somehow went into the pictures and scenes, and forgot about everything around her temporarily. So she did it, till a few years passed from school, and she dropped it, but instead, started writing. And it was the same, she wrote her feelings. If someone else read them, they would have seen them as stories, but for her, it was always about what she couldn't explain through spoken language.

Now, however, as she was standing next to his grave, her hands crossed under her arms, her throat sore of lump that was going to burst into whimper any moment; she didn’t have any feelings left to write. Writing was the legacy of her father, and he was gone. She was thinking of other ways to calm herself down.

An hour later she was at home, sitting on a chair, a blade and phone in front of her on the table. She could call Lucas, or she could calm herself down, just by herself. It was her choice. So she picked up the phone, hesitated, and called him.

“Hey” she said, her voice quivering.

“Hey Beth. What’s up?”

“Can I see you? At my place?”

“Yeah, sure. I will be off in half-hour. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah”

“Beth?”

“Hm?”

“Nothing. I will be there. Bye”

She put back the phone and tried to not think, as finally, her tears started showing off. She closed her eyes and remembered the time when she was 16. The bell of school was ringing, and everyone was getting out. She was walking at the center of all other students, and felt alone, till they stepped on the campus and started to split up. She looked up at the sky, it was grey. It was in its most beautiful form. A girl came to her, it was a friend, Oliwia.

“Hey Beth”

“Hey”

“How are you?”

“Not bad”

“I know it doesn’t feel good, but...”

“What doesn’t feel good?”

“That she made you wait, and instead went for someone else”

“Went for someone else? How do you know about that?”

“Well, she told me to tell you something”

“Tell what?”

“She says she doesn’t want to see you anymore”

“What?”

“I am sorry”

“But why? What happened?”

“Nothing, she says you are really nice. But not normal. I think she doesn’t feel comfortable”

“I don’t remember to have done anything wrong to her”

“Do you really take drugs and cut yourself? I thought you just smoked”

Beth was silent.

“And the thing you wrote, about that suicidal girl keeping herself alive by never getting close to anyone, but instead, just express herself for random people in random ways; what is wrong with you? How could you show that to her?”

“Oliwia, these are not me. I have hobbies, like everyone else. These things keep me calm”

They reached out of campus, next to the street. Oliwia looked around and said “I don’t like you either, Beth”

Beth felt like she was burning, but said “Then I don’t care, not about you, nor about that stupid friend of yours”

She opened her eyes, to find that she has cut herself again. Blood was coming out of her wrist, and as always, she was scared. She never did anything about it, except only watch. She liked to watch how it bled. She could see her life in her hands, she somehow felt near to death, therefore, felt more alive. The blood, the veins, her grief, her feelings, how they were connected? She never knew. Finally, a few red drops found it’s way out of her hand, fell down, and started to spread on the floor. Her phone rang, it was Lucas. She answered and went to the door for him. He didn’t smile when he saw her.

“Hey” he said “Why you look like that?” and after a moment he asked “Is that your blood?”

She didn’t answer, just turned around and sat where she was sitting before. The door was closed behind her, and a chair was put next to her.

“Look at me” Lucas said “I know your father meant a lot to you. But it isn’t a good reason to think of such things”

“I know”

“Then why?”

“Lucas it’s not the first time I’m doing it”

“What?” Lucas’ voice was sharp.

“Yeah”
“Why do you do that?”

“It’s a kind of habit. Distracts me”

“That doesn’t make sense”

“Not to you”

“How long?”

“Many years, in many different ways”

“Why didn’t you tell me before?”

She kept silent and looked at him with her blurred eyes.

He didn’t ask again, instead, stood and walked for the kitchen, to bring a piece of wet cloth. He sat back next to her.

“Give me your hand” he said, and put his hand forward.

She did as he said, and he started cleaning it up, by folding the cloth and taking it to the bathroom to wash it a few times. When her hand got clean she said that “I never told you this, because I was afraid to lose you”

Lucas just stared at her, and she continued "People see the surface, and don’t understand what’s going on inside. It’s not their fault, so I decided that I have to get used to it”

“But I know about it now. And do you know what I think about it?”

She shook her head.

“I just don’t think that I misunderstand you”

“Really? Are you okay with it?”

“Of course I am not okay with it. You have to stop it Beth”

“see? That’s what I mean”

“I didn’t mean it in a bad way”

“But you have the bad feeling about it, I know”

“I just care about you”

“Then what if I don’t stop it?”

Lucas hesitated “Nothing”

“Nothing?”

“Yeah. I can do it for you too if you want. I can do it for myself too, if you want”

“What?”

“Yeah. You want to see?”

“No, no, Lucas” But Lucas's hand was looking for the blade “Are you insane?” she asked.

“Why not?”

“I don’t want you to hurt yourself because of me”

“That’s what I mean when I say you have to stop it”

She opened her mouth, but couldn’t say any words. Then pressed her forehead on her hands, on her knees and said “But I am not doing it because of you”

“I am here” he said “And you still keep on doing it. If I cannot stop it, I feel responsible for it Beth. You have no one else. Doesn’t it mean like that?”

“It does. But... but... you don’t understand, no one understands”

Lucas grabbed her in his arms as her head was down “Look, I know that some people might look at you in a weird way, for many different reasons, but not me. I think what you are is normal, and not your fault”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Definitely not your fault”

“You don’t think I am a bad person?”

“What? Of course not. It’s something you do to yourself, not to others. Aren’t you nice to others?”

“I don’t know”

He caressed her hair and said “Hey, you are not worse than anyone else. That’s what I think, all right? Because I know you. Bad things happened to you and made you what you are now. These things are not arbitrary, and it may be even another reason for you to suffer it and hate it. But don’t hate yourself for that. This whole life, your life, it’s unfair. It could happen to anyone”

She raised her head to look at his face, then hugged him in a sudden movement.

“What?” he asked.

 “Let’s go somewhere”

“Where?”

“You will see”

***

“This is where my mum committed suicide”

They were standing next to a street on a bridge, the vast sea under their feet. On two sides of them located the city, and in front was the blue calm waters, as far as they could see. Colorful ferries and boats were moving barely noticeable.

“I didn’t know your mum did that”

“She did it when I was 2 years old. My dad brought me here a few years ago. Since then, I always told myself that if I am ever going to do it, I would do it here” she leaned on the bar, and looked down in the bright waters.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea”

“I want to know how she felt”

“Why?”

“Aren’t you curious?”

“What kind of a person is curious about that?”

“I don’t know” she said with a smile “I am”

“Beth, stop saying nonsense and let’s go”

“Are you afraid?”

“Afraid of what?”

“That I do it” she said and climbed the bar a little.

“Of course I am not, you are never going to do it”

“Why not?”

“Because you don’t have a reason for it”

Beth stopped scanning the sea and stared at him “I have every reason for it, Lucas” she said with a nod.

Lucas gulped his stress down his throat “Beth, let’s go home. You are not fine”

“I am finer than ever” and she climbed the bar a little more.

“Beth, let’s go”

“But I have one reason to not do it”

Lucas frowned “What?”

“Yeah, I have. You don’t know what it is?”

“No”

She stepped down from the bar and smiled at him “The things you said back there; you know me you stupid, and you like me as I am. Who can ask for more?”

Sevaine